


And when I said I was an old cardigan...you put me on & said I was your favorite

by FayeHunter



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, and i wrote this listening to like folklore, it's 2017 lashton for an angst dabble, thats the spirit and cardigan so i think that tells you were i was
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:48:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25569265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeHunter/pseuds/FayeHunter
Summary: Luke's having a bad mental night. Ashton makes it better.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 61





	And when I said I was an old cardigan...you put me on & said I was your favorite

**Author's Note:**

> [Maggie](https://calumsclifford.tumblr.com/) prompted me to write a fluff prompt or an angst one. I wrote the angst one first because that's where I was mentally at the moment. 
> 
> Title comes from cardigan because it's a Lashton song and you can go to Maggie's blog for her list of ship playlists.

Luke is sitting outside on Ashton’s porch curled up in one of the chairs, holding Petunia tightly when Ashton finds him. It’s late, probably close to midnight, and the L.A. air is crisp. The only light coming in this far away from the city is the light from the moon and Luke isn’t sure how long he’s been out here. He couldn’t sleep in the quiet of Ashton’s home; couldn’t relax or shut his overworked, anxious brain off, the broken record of _“you’re not enough.” and “no one would miss you if you were gone”_ playing over and over again until Luke could cry from the frustration and exhaustion. He’d gone outside, Petunia close at his heels, hoping he could just breathe for one moment.

Luke turns when he hears the sliding door open, pulled from his morose thoughts, and finds Ashton standing in the doorway, rubbing at his eyes and yawning. Luke hopes Ashton can’t see how red his eyes are from the tears he’s been desperately holding back since he got out here. He feels bad that he’s woken Ashton up, made him get up to come get him, and Luke turns away, focusing instead on rubbing Petunia’s ears.

“Luke, it’s 12:30am, why are you awake? Why are you out here?” Ashton asks quietly, coming to sit in the chair next to Luke. He sounds tired, exhaustion clear in his voice and limbs as he leans over to rub Petunia’s head, fingers bumping into Luke’s and making Luke feel warm. 

“I just. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t shut my brain off,” Luke mumbles, aware that his voice sounds strained and choked. Luke feels fragile, feels like he’s moments away from breaking; he has been for weeks now. It’s the unspoken reason he’s been staying at Ashton’s. They’ve been tiptoeing around the reason Ashton invited Luke to stay with him for a few days, which turned into weeks, which is verging on close to 2 months now, during the band’s hiatus. Luke doesn’t trust himself to be alone and doesn’t trust the broken-record voice in his head telling him that he’s a burden, a problem, and that he’s holding everyone back and they’d all be better off without him. 

Ashton has been so sweet and kind and the solid rock he’s always been, holding Luke up and going out of his way to make Luke laugh and smile everyday. He’s been playing music with Luke and forcing Luke out on walks with Petunia and making sure he’s eating three real meals a day and that he’s showering and functioning. He’s implemented a rule where at dinner he and Luke have to describe one positive aspect of their day. Ashton teaches Luke how to cook and they watch a movie together every night, curled up on the couch with Petunia between them, snuffling in her sleep. It feels strangely domestic and Luke’s scared that if he mentions it to Ashton, it will all go away and Ashton will realize that he’s been wasting his time on Luke and will send him back to his empty home, alone with his thoughts.

Luke appreciates Ashton, always has appreciated Ashton, how he’s driven to make sure everyone is happy and healthy, but it’s starting to drain Luke. He feels like a burden to Ashton and a little like a child who can’t be trusted to be left alone. It feels like they’re dancing around Luke’s mental state, afraid that if they breathe it into existence Luke will finally crack under the pressure.

It also doesn’t help that being stuck with Ashton, this close to him day in and day out, has only reminded Luke of the crush he’d had on him for years. Luke thought he’d squashed and buried it long ago and moved on from his childish crush. Only now Luke realizes that this crush is still there, that he still loves Ashton. At fifteen his crush sent his heart racing, made his palms sweaty and voice crack whenever Ashton so much as looked at him during band practice. The feeling eventually faded and Luke just assumed that he’d gotten over his crush now that they’re friends. Now, at twenty-one, Luke realizes that his crush just grew up with him, so whenever he watches Ashton laugh at a joke he makes or whenever he bumps his shoulder while they’re cooking, Luke feels warm inside. He feels warm and happy and he’s only just now realized that it's because he loves Ashton. He wants to kiss Ashton whenever he smiles, hold his hand on the couch and curl up next to him in bed every night. He loves Ashton and he’s always loved Ashton and he’s scared that if he says or does anything he’ll lose Ashton and everything they’ve had the last few weeks. 

“Lu, hey. Where’d you go?” Ashton nudges Luke’s hand gently with his from where its been resting next to Luke’s. He links their pinkies together, smiling gently at him.

Luke doesn’t even realize how quiet he’s been or that tears have been slipping down his cheeks until one falls onto the back of his hand. Luke can’t contain himself any longer, muffling his sobs with his other hand. Ashton makes a noise of concern, reaching over and wrapping his arms around Luke. Luke leans into Ashton’s shoulder, crying all his hurt and anxiety and unshed emotions of the last few weeks out. Ashton rubs Luke’s back, holding him tightly as he shakes.

Eventually, he runs out of tears and his sobs taper off, developing into quiet hiccups. He can hear Ashton humming quietly in his ear, still rubbing his back.

“Am I a burden?” Luke whispers. There’s a pause and Luke hopes that maybe Ashton didn’t hear him.

Ashton makes a broken little sound at the back of his throat and pulls back, cradling Luke’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumb gently over his cheek. “Of course not, Luke. You could never be a burden. You’re one of my best friends. What could possibly make you think that?”

Luke leans into the touch and shrugs. “I just feel broken. Like there’s something wrong with me and I just can’t fix it. And you’ve been so nice to me the last few months and I don’t want to be a burden on you and make you try to fix me when I’m broken. You guys would be better off without me in this band holding you back.”

Ashton looks at Luke, sadness creeping into his eyes, before he pulls Luke into another hug. “Luke, I love you. I would fix you over and over again if you needed me to but there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re the heart of this band, you know that. What would we do without you?”

Petunia snuffles her discomfort at being disrupted again by Luke’s movement and hops off his lap onto the ground, curling up at Luke’s feet. Luke giggles at the disgruntled look she gives him and Ashton smiles fondly at Luke. Luke rests his forehead against Ashton’s shoulder, sniffling lightly and tightly gripping the back of his shirt. It feels like yet another moment of domesticity in the long string of moments they've shared since Luke moved in. Luke’s heart aches from Ashton’s soft words, but also because he knows that Ashton’s love isn’t the same as his. 

They stay like this for a few moments, wrapped up in one another. Luke feels exhausted and wrung out from crying himself dry. He feels his eyelids drooping but he can’t bring himself to break away from Ashton’s grip to go back inside to sleep. 

Ashton must sense Luke’s exhaustion or he himself is just tired enough to finally jossle Luke and tug on his hand. “Come on Lu, you’re gonna drop dead out here and it’s far too cold and uncomfortable to sleep outside tomight. Besides, the sun will wake you up early and I think we both deserve a lie in.”

Luke lets himself be pulled upright, bending down to scoop Petunia up, and Ashton guides him back into the house and upstairs towards the bedrooms. Luke starts to make his way towards the guest room he’s been sleeping in, but Ashton puts an arm around his shoulder, guiding him towards Ash’s room. Luke lets him pull him in that direction, warmed slightly by the idea that he wants to be close to him, that he gets to sleep next to him. 

Luke places Petunia on the foot of the bed, where she fixes the comforter to her liking and curls back up, snoring within minutes. Ashton smiles and pulls the covers back, pulling Luke down into the bed. Luke feels warm and happy in this moment. They settle into bed and Luke stares up at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to will himself to close his eyes and go to sleep. He can hear Ashton’s breathing even out and he’s suddenly overcome with how safe and warm he feels like this, Ashton’s hand brushing against his, close enough to feel his heat.

“Ash, I think I love you,” Luke whispers, unable to contain the feeling inside. He’s not quite sure if Ashton’s awake or not, but he feels a little braver now with the reassurance that Ashton will always be there for him.

“I know,” Ashton whispers back.

“Not like that Ash. I think I _love_ you.”

“I _know_ ,” Ashton insists again, rolling over on his side to press a soft, quick kiss to Luke’s lips, “I love you too, Lu. It’s too late to be this awake, let’s just talk about it in the morning. I’ll let you make your terrible coffee and you can wax poetic about how much you love me.”

Luke wants to be offended at Ashton, but who is he to argue when Ashton presses a kiss to his cheek and rolls them onto their sides, pressing against Luke’s back and wrapping an arm around him. Luke smiles softly and drifts off to sleep. Maybe the morning will be a better day, maybe Luke will write some music, maybe they’ll walk Petunia after dinner, maybe he’ll bride Ashton with kisses to let him watch Frozen again. Knowing that Ashton loves him like he loves Ashton makes the world feel brighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr!](https://pixiegrl.tumblr.com/) Talk to me about fairytales or Stardust


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